Sex in pakistan

Comment of a Pakistani woman on the article Lets Talk about sex in Pakistan -Jeanette Khan

Posted: Aug 31, 2009 Mon 11:10 pm Views: 2416 Interacts: 1

Lets Talk about sex in Pakistan

by

Jeanette Khan

Originally Published in Huffington Post

I'm a red-blooded woman. I'm comfortable talking about sex and all aspects regarding it. As a full-fledged member of the Millennials, I'm accustomed to asking people "Are you a virgin?"

In Pakistan there is no such thing as sex-education. People mostly learn about sex through their married friends or first-hand experience. When I was a young teenager I told my year-younger female cousin about sex. My aunt became enraged and told me that'd she find out about it the night before she gets married. I was stunned; I just didn't understand how someone could find out what sex is right before the wedding.

Playboys are smuggled into the country. That same year I explained sex to my cousin, her older brother confessed to having a Playboy hidden in the storage room in his house. It was the one with Ginger Spice, Geri Halliwell on it.

A few years later, as a late teen, on another trip to Pakistan, my friend Nadia told me that teenagers were having sex; they would go to their houses when the parents weren't home. My older male cousin also told me he knew of a girl who had gotten pregnant.

Before my cousin got married, I asked if sex had been explained to her. My aunt said that she had friends who had recently gotten married so they explained it to her. I wanted her to know her rights and that she had the ability to say "no" and that sex is something to be enjoyed for both parties, not just one. There is actually a celebration in Pakistan for consummating the relationship, it's called the Valima and it's held the night after the wedding. It seems so odd that there would be an actual celebration for the consummation, but no real explanation about sex.

I have another friend here who isn't married and when I asked if she knew what sex was, she said she didn't. Even after all these years my mouth still fell open in shock. Our other friend is married, and she just looked at me as if to keep quiet. Pakistan has become more Western in a lot of areas, but clearly not in this one.

Here, there is no "flirting." I've tried to flirt with men, but normally get told off. Once I was in the car with my aunt, who's a bit conservative, and she noticed me staring at this guy next to us. She told me not to stare as it doesn't look nice. How exactly it doesn't look nice, I don't know, I thought to myself.

I've even gotten in trouble for shaking a man's hand during business meetings. I suppose my American-aggressiveness came into play. My father, a Pakistani-American, has always told me to give a firm handshake because it tells a lot about a person. After a brief meeting with a man at a coffee shop, I stuck out my hand to shake. He looked at me confused and fumbled when shaking my hand. Later in the car my aunt told me that shaking hands is a no-no between the sexes.

Sexual expression is fully repressed here, at least in front of families. Sometimes cousins are even kept apart after a certain age to dispel interaction. I'm not allowed to go to my aunt's house without the older family members because she lives in a huge joint-family system where there are a number of young adult unmarried men. I am an unmarried young female. When I do meet these cousins I just bow my head to greet them and that's the extent of our interaction.

That's not say that men and women don't date. They do, but always clandestinely. I've seen numerous couples and groups of men and women out eating and enjoying themselves. I didn't get the sense that people stared at them too much; it's become normal in some regard. But those families that allow their children to go out in mixed company are often more liberal and broad-minded.

I wanted to hang out with my elder male cousin alone one day. I just wanted to get a bite to eat and talk. The intricateness involved with the whole situation still astounds me to this day. He had to tell his parents that he was going out with some friends. He wouldn't even come to the door of his own grandmother's house to pick me up. He called me from his cell phone and I ran out to his car waiting outside the gate. My dad didn't care that I was hanging out with him alone. My cousin asked my father to tell everyone that he and I weren't going out. That he hadn't even been to the house. My dad said fine. My dad told the people back inside the house that I had gone out with a friend.

When my cousin and I went to dinner he looked so shocked. Even though I'm his cousin, and yes cousins intermarry in Pakistan, he'd never been alone with a girl in public before. I told him not to worry; there were other male and female people sitting alone together.

The thing is that Pakistan isn't so wholesome sexually when it doesn't want to be. Lahore even has a famous red light district, called Heera Mandi. Men go there and pay a few rupees to sleep with the girls, often young girls who have been kidnapped or have to sell their bodies to make money for their families. Other women are from generations of prostitutes; it's their only way to survive. The thing about it is everyone knows what goes on there, but nothing's really done about it, at least officially.

COMMENTS BY A PAKISTANI WOMAN SUMERABIL

Posted by sumerabil on Friday January 1, 2010 08:48 am

Dear Jeanine khan

I am absolutely excited about commenting on your bold but rather superficial matter of fact know it all article on Pakistan's sex scene. It seems late but valid to tell you that your theories and experiences seem half cooked and have large holes in them.

Let me fill in those gaps a little for you. PARA BY PARA in bold and red colour so you UNDERSTAND and correct your facts.

so you say:

"I'm a red-blooded woman. I'm comfortable talking about sex and all aspects regarding it. As a full-fledged member of the Millennials, I'm accustomed to asking people "Are you a virgin?"

Uhhh….I wouldn't judge on that. But your article loses its credibility right there.you almost seem to have been voicing your own frustration or gone disappointed as if failed to gain any open gratified experience first hand.

"In Pakistan there is no such thing as sex-education. People mostly learn about sex through their married friends or first-hand experience. When I was a young teenager I told my year-younger female cousin about sex. My aunt became enraged and told me that'd she find out about it the night before she gets married. I was stunned; I just didn't understand how someone could find out what sex is right before the wedding."

Firstly "Sex-education" is a western terminology, because sex between any one any where out of the wedlock is encouraged and considered cool and hence is a norm! as are the terms flirting dating "sex industry" and "porn business" on the other forms of sexual provocation and gratification.( Snm Bondage animal sex same sex partners sex tools etc etc).

So its only natural that a society obsessed with all forms of sexual gratification as the means of ADDING VALUE TO their worldly experiences should be aware of it in an "educational form"

Pakistan seriously has many other issues at hand such as "formal education"!?!

Plus until the advent of the internet and access to internet porn in all its "glory" open sex as a topic was an idea was largely common in the west only.

Culturally speaking its not considered polite for children or parents in Pakistan to be discussing the most intimate processes like daily news, because its not expected of children until marriageable age (culturally 22 years or more for girls and 28 or more for men) to be going out to have OPEN sex in (bad bad Pakistan!!)

Especially girls is normal Pakistani urban families are trained to be focused on formal Education, professions and careers or pleasing their own families, and extended families or in-laws with their skills months after marriage rather than what to do perticularly on the wedding night?

Boys of that age are expected and are supposed to learn it from their elders that they feel comfortable talking to.

Playboys are smuggled into the country. That same year I explained sex to my cousin, her older brother confessed to having a Playboy hidden in the storage room in his house. It was the one with Ginger Spice, Geri Halliwell on it.

Smuggling of all things sellable in Pakistan isn't an issue. Plus we have always had a lot of local Urdu and English stuff available in book markets. That hassle is reduced by 2009 Instead now one could access it all with just one click.

A few years later, as a late teen, on another trip to Pakistan, my friend Nadia told me that teenagers were having sex; they would go to their houses when the parents weren't home. My older male cousin also told me he knew of a girl who had gotten pregnant.

Casual to heavy Dating, drinking, drugs leading to hormone charged Intercourse in teen is pretty common in boys and girls of the affluent classes. Most of them are nouveu rich with vulgar showoff with money made in emirates in the last 25 to 30 years in mostly the Middle East. Although educated these people follow the western culture with expos and are proud of it as a result their next generation is fantastically lost.

Before my cousin got married, I asked if sex had been explained to her. My aunt said that she had friends who had recently gotten married so they explained it to her. I wanted her to know her rights and that she had the ability to say "no" and that sex is something to be enjoyed for both parties, not just one. There is actually a celebration in Pakistan for consummating the relationship, it's called the Valima and it's held the night after the wedding. It seems so odd that there would be an actual celebration for the consummation, but no real explanation about sex.

Your decision to interfere and let your cousin know was perhaps misconceived. In an ideal concept of arranged marriage, the men are selected for their breed not for sexual attraction as in the cases of western marriages. It is expected for the groom to be kind and gentle of the girl he is getting married to. The girl should be comfortable in the knowledge that its not a one "night stand" but a partner ship of a life time.

The valima dinner by grooms family isn't "a celebration of consummation" it is a reciprocal of the wedding dinner by brides family and although consummation is expected by that time its not mandatory (incase if any partner feels uncomfortable abt it.)

I have another friend here who isn't married and when I asked if she knew what sex was, she said she didn't. Even after all these years my mouth still fell open in shock. Our other friend is married, and she just looked at me as if to keep quiet. Pakistan has become more Western in a lot of areas, but clearly not in this one.

Your last line of the Para clearly describes that westernization hasn't done us any favors in other areas. why should we add one more example of western cultures failure as our own??

Here, there is no "flirting." I've tried to flirt with men, but normally get told off. Once I was in the car with my aunt, who's a bit conservative, and she noticed me staring at this guy next to us. She told me not to stare as it doesn't look nice. How exactly it doesn't look nice, I don't know, I thought to myself.

Flirting is a western concept. Yet locally there are playful, more cultured examples of showing interest politely and by "NOT BEING SEXUALLY AGGRESSIVE" such as small talk, jokes sharing, emailing, and text messaging, or playing competitive sports that are norm in Pakistani culture. In your aforementioned experience the man probably just didn't feel attracted to you and hence didn't want to lead you on. We all know how irritating could that be.

I've even gotten in trouble for shaking a man's hand during business meetings. I suppose my American-aggressiveness came into play. My father, a Pakistani-American, has always told me to give a firm handshake because it tells a lot about a person. After a brief meeting with a man at a coffee shop, I stuck out my hand to shake. He looked at me confused and fumbled when shaking my hand. Later in the car my aunt told me that shaking hands is a no-no between the sexes.

again an exaggeration in my experience as a working woman in Pakistan I have had no such problems. Men in Pakistan are very eager to let women be part of the industry here and would younger ones are a lot kinder in that regards. Studying and respecting other cultures and their difference is part of business curriculum that you seem totally ignorant of.(the staring at men and jumping to hand shake everyman to judge the some how you come across as the desperate type.)

Sexual expression is fully repressed here, at least in front of families. Sometimes cousins are even kept apart after a certain age to dispel interaction. I'm not allowed to go to my aunt's house without the older family members because she lives in a huge joint-family system where there are a number of young adult unmarried men. I am an unmarried young female. When I do meet these cousins I just bow my head to greet them and that's the extent of our interaction.

Uh again its not a topic of discussion as pleasant as umm the weather or tv dramas or movies or the political setup or business etc. and with your afore mentioned "red bloodedness" and "American-aggressiveness" even I as an educated liberal woman would be a little uncomfortable taking you anywhere near my young cousins!!

That's not say that men and women don't date. They do, but always clandestinely. I've seen numerous couples and groups of men and women out eating and enjoying themselves. I didn't get the sense that people stared at them too much; it's become normal in some regard. But those families that allow their children to go out in mixed company are often more liberal and broad-minded.

Because most of us aren't red bloodied or aggressive in an Americanized way we are considered normal to be courted with people we feel safe with. Most of urban Pakistan is very flexible that way.

I wanted to hang out with my elder male cousin alone one day. I just wanted to get a bite to eat and talk. The intricateness involved with the whole situation still astounds me to this day. He had to tell his parents that he was going out with some friends. He wouldn't even come to the door of his own grandmother's house to pick me up. He called me from his cell phone and I ran out to his car waiting outside the gate. My dad didn't care that I was hanging out with him alone. My cousin asked my father to tell everyone that he and I weren't going out. That he hadn't even been to the house. My dad said fine. My dad told the people back inside the house that I had gone out with a friend.

No wonder he was hesitant. You haven't shown any respect to this culture so he had to make sure that every body knew that he wasn't going with a judgmentally lost woman. You probably pushed the guy too much. I admire your cousin's courage to TAKE YOU OUT.

When my cousin and I went to dinner he looked so shocked. Even though I'm his cousin, and yes cousins intermarry in Pakistan, he'd never been alone with a girl in public before. I told him not to worry; there were other male and female people sitting alone together.

I just think he was embarrassed by your demeanor in public. Taking a woman out in Pakistan (large urbanized areas like Lahore, Karachi, and Islamabad) is NO BIG DEAL!!

The thing is that Pakistan isn't so wholesome sexually when it doesn't want to be. Lahore even has a famous red light district, called Heera Mandi. Men go there and pay a few rupees to sleep with the girls, often young girls who have been kidnapped or have to sell their bodies to make money for their families. Other women are from generations of prostitutes; it's their only way to survive. The thing about it is everyone knows what goes on there, but nothing's really done about it, at least officially.

Wish you had done a piece on their plight rather than focusing your energies on defending what happens in heera mandi should be made a open practice.